Seize the Hope - episode 240
What do you do when someone you love dies? Especially when it isn’t the natural order of things? Well, you can do what I did. You let yourself feel, all of it. You don’t want to but you need to. You don’t run, hide or look for a shortcut although I would definitely have gone for that. I’m your Grief and Gratitude guest this week and I recount the time when our child died. Not just the sadness of it all but the hope that can be found during, and especially after. In fact I turned the whole experience into a project (book) Standing Tall: A Collection of Hope.
I know I’m sharing something I stand to profit from. That’s not my point at all and in fact I care little about that. My intention is to support you in a time of need and for you to realize you are hardly alone. Beyond that, that you would seize the hope. It’s there. It’s ripe and it’s ready for you.
And the gratitude? Yes, it’s there in abundance. My advice there? You have to practice gratitude to get good at. Just like anything. Check out the blog to see what I mean.
Hope is a certainty even when you don’t know the outcome.
The day we brought him home (unexpectedly) from the hospital.
Just Like He Said
Thoughts from Seize the Hope
I began my treasure hunt in earnest. It took awareness, time and questions that led to the discovery of oh, so many gifts. I began to share what I found, how God had not wasted a thing. And as mentioned, I am sharing a glimpse with you now. This story appears in the book 8:28 Hope in the Darkness by Karen Badal Hacker an excellent read on grief.
Ninety-two days
Ninety-two days. That is how long we had with our son, Christian before he passed. He was born with a severe heart defect. His underdeveloped heart had been discovered in-utero and we were told that our child would not live much past birth. My husband Ron and I chose to trust in God’s plan for our lives and to celebrate the pregnancy, as this would be our only time with him. But he lived for ninety-two days. A gift.
Oh, there was grief to be sure. Tears, long-suffering pain. The Titanic song (My Heart Will Go On) is still a song I cannot hear today without a pit developing in my stomach and the desire to run to the nearest cave (Where might that be?) to wail in privacy. Yet through it all we somehow did not ask why. We could have, and God would have been fine with the question, but we didn’t. I cannot fully explain why.
What about when a gift keeps on giving long after he is gone? It’s what I came to know in real life in real time. I absolutely clung to the promise of Romans 8:28. For we know that God causes all things to work for good to those who love him and to those who are called according to his purpose. It became my life-preserver. And I began to look for the promise of that verse.
I wanted to see the good. I hoped for it. I even expected it. Isn’t that what a promise is? Something you can count on? I knew God would not disappoint. As time went on, I began to intentionally look for the ways God worked this for good. I was asked to share a chapter of my story at a women’s event and I chose to speak about the promise of 8:28 in my life through our time with Christian. I turned around, looked back, traced events/people and saw all the ways he blessed us. All the good.
I created a visual of what I discovered. A tree with Christ at the roots, the verse of Romans 8:28 on the trunk followed by a picture of Christian. Then the branches are filled with fruit. As in God used this verse and worked through Christian to produce abundant fruit. The good. Here is a partial list of the fruit, the blessings:
§ Reunited. Reconnected with 3 other couples who were there for us in our pain. One member from each pair went to the same high school. One of the couples had a son with the same condition ours did so they understood our grief. They are active in grief counseling because they get it. (Karen’s book is mentioned above.)
§ Dogs. Got a golden retriever puppy. She helped me heal in ways I cannot fully articulate. Six months after she died, we got another way. Oh, the joy!
§ Passion discovered. Neighbors gave us tickets to a children’s theater production that came in a sympathy card. At the play one of our kids announced, That’s what I want to do. He did, and does, unto this very day. He found his passion.
§ New calling. After being a classroom teacher for years I shared with God that I’d love to do something with kids and theater. Two weeks later I was offered a job to develop introductory performing arts programs to take to schools county-wide. I worked there and loved it for fifteen years.
§ Movie friend. One of the moms at the school I had taught at reached out and we became lifelong friends. For years we went to the movies every week and had lunch together pouring over what we’d seen and what was going on in our lives.
§ Dance is fun. Reconnected with a different friend and we reminded each other how much we wanted to tap dance. So, we did! We were in a few recitals and had a blast.
§ Standing Tall – A Collection of Hope. Wrote a book, a collection really, of the feelings and events of this time. It contains many letters and words of wisdom from others. Their words were soothing for my heart. The book is used in that same aforementioned grief counseling.
§ One more. My brother-in-law and his wife thought someone was missing from our extended family, so they had one more child. Grace.
§ Music. That same brother-in-law composed a beautiful piece of music titled CJ after Christian John. It is beautiful, haunting and very special to us.
§ Prayer. A close friend asked if she could put me in touch with a woman, she knew who was carrying a baby who would not live much past birth. Of course, I said yes and was happy to be there for her. That same woman started a prayer group and we’ve been going strong for 20 years and counting!
§ A daughter. One of the best gifts was the blessing to adopt a baby girl three years after Christian died. It was a dream come true. She completed our family and I cannot imagine my life without her. I believe Christian’s passing made a way for her to come to us. I can’t explain God’s strategy or timing on this, but I trust it.
§ Endless love. One of the couples we know could not have biological children. One did not want to adopt while the other one did. They were at a stalemate. UNTIL the husband spent time with our adoptive daughter when she was a baby and fell in love with her. They soon adopted their own daughter. Happy ending!
I do believe there are divine signs and messages in our everyday lives that if we don’t open ourselves up to can be easily missed. When I spoke to the women that day at our event, I challenged them to find the good that comes from hard situations. It’s there. Sometimes you have to dig. Sometimes you have to wait a while to see it, but I promise it’s there. Just like he said in Romans 8:28.
Today’s gift originated back in time, you will see one thing led to another, that led to another…
One of my many gifts, friend Isha Casagrande. I am showing her ‘two-piece rule’ of fashion.
